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Sep. 11th, 2016 07:26 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
waxboxAlright. I'm so paranoid... i seriously wish these voices would go away so I could be somewhat normal. I hate this so fucking much. If I wasn't so paranoid, I would have ignored the comment and continued but now I think my drive to play Seifer is gone. Like... normally he''s a shot off in my head, going for automatic responses but now I'm struggling to keep him canon. Afraid I'm doing something wrong with
every step. Having to watch what I write and do in canon/game is fucking me up basically.
I did get comments/pm from my potential castmates. They basically saw the note I left in Seifer's journal and ended up being supportive. Yet, I don't trust it. I was all embarrassed and pleased earlier last night. Now I'm just like... meeeeeh. Should I play or are they going to do something to make me stop playing here altogether?
Like I kept thinking it was one of them that did it, and then subconsciously wanting reassurance that it wasn't, so came encouraging comments. I'm terrible really but I suppose I have good reason to be so paranoid.
I think... I'll be fine if I don't play on DW anymore. I don't even understand most of the terms and yet I read up on them. Still confused like hell.
Anyway... there's a game on insanejournal I signed up for. Been accepted and all that, waiting on I think five-six more apps to come in so we can get started. I used Rami Malek as the PB. I've been wanting to use him for a couple weeks. He's adorable, sexy and handsome in a weird way. I think it's his under eyes. It throws me off a little but I love his look.
I kinda want to watch Mr. Robot but I don't want it messing up the characterization of Rei. Which it might, I don't want to carbon copy Elliot or whatever his name is. Rei shall stay Rei. My recovering drug addict divorcee trying to get his life together and being skeptical of the monster in his hometown.
He feels like a real person to me for some reason or other. My other OCs do too, to a degree especially Josh but like I can imagine this mofo in my head perfectly, doing mundane tasks, important things. I think of him as a very clean person despite his habit. I'm gonna have a post where he's back at his childhood home his family never sold, doing a thorough cleaning of the house since it's dusty, musty and smells of dead things.
Listening to a mix of new age and rock music, because he has a little weird in him. I hope we get everyone in the group, because that would be awesome and I hope my writing is still great. I've gotten use to writing in brackets, and for some reason that's a comfort. Like a metaphorical enclosement? I do like being boxed in, but not so much that it's clauserphobic. However you spell that.
As for writing prose, it depends heavily on my mood and how I'm feeling in a game. I think the last time I wrote such lovely words was with Jean-Marie in Break the pattern. I miss that game and wish it was still around. It was great, everyone was great. I still keep in contact with Zoey. I should text her sometime today to say what's up.
Ooooh... I might app a kid at the IJ game too but I'm gonna wait and see if anyone else grabs them since I already have one from the first group. I don't want to hog the peoples.
Anyway, that's all I really want to say. I have to cancel an appointment tomorrow because of bible study. I didn't realize what was going on when I made it. And I haven't been to bed yet... argh. I'm getting tired finally though. I should reply to posts, but I just don't feel like it. Like I said.. I think my drive for Seifer has died. =/ I've always written as fast as my fingers can carry me, so my brain works on speed. (which leads to lots of typos and misprints)
So, yeah... I don't feel like I can play him anymore. ~_~ I realize I might be, being a big baby about this but if they had known, I think they would have been more constructive than leaving a message like that. I imagine constructive criticism is like... you're getting this wrong, but here's some things you're doing right. Not basically telling me I shouldn't be in games and stick to memes if I didn't follow canon to a T...
also... I never liked Kingdom Hearts' versions of Seifer, Fujin and Raijin. >.o; Making Seifer all ghetto. A total wigga hoodrat. I was like what is this fuckery. I imagine however, that's how Square Enix imagined his voice to sound like unfortunately. And their nicknames to be. Since the game is made by Square. However... I always imagined Seifer's voice to be more soothing, and a bit on the deep side with an edge. Maybe not ghetto but... uh, what's the word I'm looking for? Sharp? idk.
lmao I remember when I played the game back in the day, my sister and brother would watch. I did all their voices and they loved it. Squall's voice was this annoying Alto I always imagined. Like Edward Furlong's voice, except better. Zell of course was ghetto as fuck. White boy wigga. I don't remember how I did Seifer's voice. Quistis is husky imo. Selphie's voice is surprisingly not all high pitched and irritating. I don't remember Rinoa either. Irvine was kinda country but not exactly, more Texas drawl. But I do remember Edea and Ultimecia's.
I'm having fond memories here. It's my headcanon. I think when you play something so many times and come to love it, it does become one of the many worlds you love and becomes yours to a degree.
Anyway, I kept wishing I'd get rejected from Melodies, so I didn't have to bother with this. > < I'm thinking of not introducing myself and backing out. I said I'd give it a go and started doing everything I'm supposed to do upon acceptance. At first I was all for it but now I'm regretting it.
Idk... I wish I had this big sign everywhere I went that said 'I'm not looking for pity but I have paranoid delusions. Can you please not do things to make me paranoid?' then people would fuck with me on purpose or they'd watch what they'd say, worry about it and I'd feel bad. No way to win there.
I guess the big thing is what was left unanswered. Okay, so you don't like the things I was doing but does that mean you don't like anything else I was doing as well? obviously if you left it at that. It almost feels like they were holding back from saying more and I don't think that's paranoia.
Okay... I'm just gonna shut up. I can't seem to help myself. I'm just glad I have somewhere to get all this shit out of me. Hopefully this goes away soon or my only solution is to stop playing over here.
every step. Having to watch what I write and do in canon/game is fucking me up basically.
I did get comments/pm from my potential castmates. They basically saw the note I left in Seifer's journal and ended up being supportive. Yet, I don't trust it. I was all embarrassed and pleased earlier last night. Now I'm just like... meeeeeh. Should I play or are they going to do something to make me stop playing here altogether?
Like I kept thinking it was one of them that did it, and then subconsciously wanting reassurance that it wasn't, so came encouraging comments. I'm terrible really but I suppose I have good reason to be so paranoid.
I think... I'll be fine if I don't play on DW anymore. I don't even understand most of the terms and yet I read up on them. Still confused like hell.
Anyway... there's a game on insanejournal I signed up for. Been accepted and all that, waiting on I think five-six more apps to come in so we can get started. I used Rami Malek as the PB. I've been wanting to use him for a couple weeks. He's adorable, sexy and handsome in a weird way. I think it's his under eyes. It throws me off a little but I love his look.
I kinda want to watch Mr. Robot but I don't want it messing up the characterization of Rei. Which it might, I don't want to carbon copy Elliot or whatever his name is. Rei shall stay Rei. My recovering drug addict divorcee trying to get his life together and being skeptical of the monster in his hometown.
He feels like a real person to me for some reason or other. My other OCs do too, to a degree especially Josh but like I can imagine this mofo in my head perfectly, doing mundane tasks, important things. I think of him as a very clean person despite his habit. I'm gonna have a post where he's back at his childhood home his family never sold, doing a thorough cleaning of the house since it's dusty, musty and smells of dead things.
Listening to a mix of new age and rock music, because he has a little weird in him. I hope we get everyone in the group, because that would be awesome and I hope my writing is still great. I've gotten use to writing in brackets, and for some reason that's a comfort. Like a metaphorical enclosement? I do like being boxed in, but not so much that it's clauserphobic. However you spell that.
As for writing prose, it depends heavily on my mood and how I'm feeling in a game. I think the last time I wrote such lovely words was with Jean-Marie in Break the pattern. I miss that game and wish it was still around. It was great, everyone was great. I still keep in contact with Zoey. I should text her sometime today to say what's up.
Ooooh... I might app a kid at the IJ game too but I'm gonna wait and see if anyone else grabs them since I already have one from the first group. I don't want to hog the peoples.
Anyway, that's all I really want to say. I have to cancel an appointment tomorrow because of bible study. I didn't realize what was going on when I made it. And I haven't been to bed yet... argh. I'm getting tired finally though. I should reply to posts, but I just don't feel like it. Like I said.. I think my drive for Seifer has died. =/ I've always written as fast as my fingers can carry me, so my brain works on speed. (which leads to lots of typos and misprints)
So, yeah... I don't feel like I can play him anymore. ~_~ I realize I might be, being a big baby about this but if they had known, I think they would have been more constructive than leaving a message like that. I imagine constructive criticism is like... you're getting this wrong, but here's some things you're doing right. Not basically telling me I shouldn't be in games and stick to memes if I didn't follow canon to a T...
also... I never liked Kingdom Hearts' versions of Seifer, Fujin and Raijin. >.o; Making Seifer all ghetto. A total wigga hoodrat. I was like what is this fuckery. I imagine however, that's how Square Enix imagined his voice to sound like unfortunately. And their nicknames to be. Since the game is made by Square. However... I always imagined Seifer's voice to be more soothing, and a bit on the deep side with an edge. Maybe not ghetto but... uh, what's the word I'm looking for? Sharp? idk.
lmao I remember when I played the game back in the day, my sister and brother would watch. I did all their voices and they loved it. Squall's voice was this annoying Alto I always imagined. Like Edward Furlong's voice, except better. Zell of course was ghetto as fuck. White boy wigga. I don't remember how I did Seifer's voice. Quistis is husky imo. Selphie's voice is surprisingly not all high pitched and irritating. I don't remember Rinoa either. Irvine was kinda country but not exactly, more Texas drawl. But I do remember Edea and Ultimecia's.
I'm having fond memories here. It's my headcanon. I think when you play something so many times and come to love it, it does become one of the many worlds you love and becomes yours to a degree.
Anyway, I kept wishing I'd get rejected from Melodies, so I didn't have to bother with this. > < I'm thinking of not introducing myself and backing out. I said I'd give it a go and started doing everything I'm supposed to do upon acceptance. At first I was all for it but now I'm regretting it.
Idk... I wish I had this big sign everywhere I went that said 'I'm not looking for pity but I have paranoid delusions. Can you please not do things to make me paranoid?' then people would fuck with me on purpose or they'd watch what they'd say, worry about it and I'd feel bad. No way to win there.
I guess the big thing is what was left unanswered. Okay, so you don't like the things I was doing but does that mean you don't like anything else I was doing as well? obviously if you left it at that. It almost feels like they were holding back from saying more and I don't think that's paranoia.
Okay... I'm just gonna shut up. I can't seem to help myself. I'm just glad I have somewhere to get all this shit out of me. Hopefully this goes away soon or my only solution is to stop playing over here.
