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The voices have mostly been quiet. It's nice. Not so much turmoil and wanting to smash my head against a brick wall until I go into a coma. However I'm starting to get depressed again since mom is away. The house needs some cleaning and I haven't gotten myself to do it. I haven't been able to walk either because when I do, the voices are the worst. They'll make me think about things I don't care to think about. It'll be an insistent pulse on my brain, a darkness in my mind that won't go away and I'm just left dreading my next walk. I'm afraid people can hear my thoughts and will get mad or disgusted with me. I try to realize it doesn't matter, but it's hard.
I didn't eat all day and when money went on my card, I got my mom's bestfriend to get me banana nut muffins from UDF. I scarfed those mofos down. I didn't realize how hungry I actually was because eating really doesn't matter to me when I'm depressed like this. I'm trying to quit smoking but I can't help it. I'm gonna try again in a few days. I went almost a whole day without a cigarette yesterday and the other day and I almost didn't care but it became a drumming and I gave in.
I bought one book of short poems, and a binded journal for my start into the journey of weight loss. My appointment is on the 20th, that's when I start the program. I think writing everything down that I eat and the exercise I do on a daily basis will make me conscious of my decisions and actions. I'll make myself read it in order to maintain what I must do to get surgery. I'm willing to put in the work, it's forcing the will and determination on myself. I also got a waist measure to do every month instead of checking the scale. Well, I got a scale that goes up to 550 lbs but it's not weighing me. How sad is that? heh I plan on taking measurements of my calves, thighs, waist, hip and forearms every month. My biceps are a no go, too much hanging fatty skin and they're going to remain that way even after I lose weight, here's to hoping I'll get cosmetic surgery for them.
I need to study the bible more, but I can't focus. The voices tend to mess with me then too. I'll have random thoughts hitting me left and center, left and right, and I end up focusing more on them than what I'm reading or hearing from my teacher. I have study today, well it's late morning and I need sleep for it but here's to hoping I can focus. I need a shower too and I think I'm watching my nephew today too. My Uncle is going to go to the store and get what we need. I need lighters because I panic without them. Even when I don't have cigarettes, I have to have a lighter. Just one of those OCD things.
I'm gonna start watching Shameless, my sister had me watching it last week and it was actually really good. Hilarious and crazy. I think I really want to watch it because Justin Chawick or however you spell his last name is hot with a beard. He's all baby faced otherwise, and him playing Goku in Dragonball Evolution ruined his good looks for me lol That movie was terrible and his acting skills were crap. He does well in Shameless though. But honestly, the show is good and I'd like to watch it, see if I like it enough to actually stick by the series.
My Uncle's showing is tomorrow, and his funeral is on Thursday. I wish I could go, but it's unlikely. If my sister would swallow her pride and take the rental from our father, she could take me too. =( I'd love to go, to say goodbye to such a sweet and great man but yeah, I'll have to wait till the new system say hello to him again. I'll be happy to see him. ^_^ Uncle Rick and everyone else too.
Guess that's all I want to say. I may force myself to walk before I go to bed and don't pay attention to whatever the voices do to throw off my well being. It's really hard, but it has to be done or I'll be dead by 35 and haven't done much with my life. If people get mad at me, it doesn't matter. People are better off worrying about themselves, than me. I don't bother anyone and thoughts are just that, thoughts, even though we have to keep them clean.
I didn't eat all day and when money went on my card, I got my mom's bestfriend to get me banana nut muffins from UDF. I scarfed those mofos down. I didn't realize how hungry I actually was because eating really doesn't matter to me when I'm depressed like this. I'm trying to quit smoking but I can't help it. I'm gonna try again in a few days. I went almost a whole day without a cigarette yesterday and the other day and I almost didn't care but it became a drumming and I gave in.
I bought one book of short poems, and a binded journal for my start into the journey of weight loss. My appointment is on the 20th, that's when I start the program. I think writing everything down that I eat and the exercise I do on a daily basis will make me conscious of my decisions and actions. I'll make myself read it in order to maintain what I must do to get surgery. I'm willing to put in the work, it's forcing the will and determination on myself. I also got a waist measure to do every month instead of checking the scale. Well, I got a scale that goes up to 550 lbs but it's not weighing me. How sad is that? heh I plan on taking measurements of my calves, thighs, waist, hip and forearms every month. My biceps are a no go, too much hanging fatty skin and they're going to remain that way even after I lose weight, here's to hoping I'll get cosmetic surgery for them.
I need to study the bible more, but I can't focus. The voices tend to mess with me then too. I'll have random thoughts hitting me left and center, left and right, and I end up focusing more on them than what I'm reading or hearing from my teacher. I have study today, well it's late morning and I need sleep for it but here's to hoping I can focus. I need a shower too and I think I'm watching my nephew today too. My Uncle is going to go to the store and get what we need. I need lighters because I panic without them. Even when I don't have cigarettes, I have to have a lighter. Just one of those OCD things.
I'm gonna start watching Shameless, my sister had me watching it last week and it was actually really good. Hilarious and crazy. I think I really want to watch it because Justin Chawick or however you spell his last name is hot with a beard. He's all baby faced otherwise, and him playing Goku in Dragonball Evolution ruined his good looks for me lol That movie was terrible and his acting skills were crap. He does well in Shameless though. But honestly, the show is good and I'd like to watch it, see if I like it enough to actually stick by the series.
My Uncle's showing is tomorrow, and his funeral is on Thursday. I wish I could go, but it's unlikely. If my sister would swallow her pride and take the rental from our father, she could take me too. =( I'd love to go, to say goodbye to such a sweet and great man but yeah, I'll have to wait till the new system say hello to him again. I'll be happy to see him. ^_^ Uncle Rick and everyone else too.
Guess that's all I want to say. I may force myself to walk before I go to bed and don't pay attention to whatever the voices do to throw off my well being. It's really hard, but it has to be done or I'll be dead by 35 and haven't done much with my life. If people get mad at me, it doesn't matter. People are better off worrying about themselves, than me. I don't bother anyone and thoughts are just that, thoughts, even though we have to keep them clean.
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What about music, does it help to drown out the voices? I feel like I focus better and get more work done with music.
And taking measurements is waayyy better for measuring your progress. The scale is useless, because once you start building muscle, the number will go up even if your body fat % goes down. Just keep track of your measurements.