Draw close to God and he will draw close to you

Thought I'd update since I haven't in awhile.

My Aunt and her grandkids are currently visiting. It's been nice. I've really missed them. But since they've been here, I haven't been studying. Which is not good. Missed my last three studies with my teacher too, because I wasn't feeling well. But, I have no excuse tomorrow, I'm feeling well. I'm excited actually.

I went to the lake a couple of weeks ago. Been years since I went. I swam for almost three hours, felt great. Because of my weight though, I had a heck of a time swimming. I tried doing breaststrokes but my weight kept dragging me down and I couldn't keep my head above water. I also couldn't stay up right. I hurt for like three days afterward. Worth it though.

I know I shouldn't, but I'm in love with the game Coming out on Top. A gay male dating simulator. It's such a fangirl cliche but the art is beautiful. I don't plan on playing long, but I was watching Dream Daddy videos and it showed up in my youtube suggestions, so I thought I'd give it a try. I love Dreamy Daddy too but my computer can't handle it. Whomp, Whomp. Both are hilarious and entertaining though. I'll stop playing/watching soon. It's just really hard getting out of the world. I always thought it'd be easy for me, but it's really not. I need to try harder.

A little more bad news, despite being active and eating less. I gained 21 pounds. No, it's not a thyroid problem, it was my bipolar medicine. Depokote. So, my doctor and I decided I should be taken off it. It makes no sense though, my mom said It looked like I was losing weight and my clothes were fitting a lot better too. Just boom. 21 pounds, over night.

Anyway, I'll update another time soon. Writing an original story with sorta original characters. I love Ian from Coming out on Top, so I decided to use his image and make a male character and put him with an original female character. Also using Jared Padalecki lol. They're twins since they look similar. I'm putting my friend Val/Moosegirl in the story too, she ends up with Jared since she's his number one fan. <3 I even named Mark, Dean Winchester, lmao, and made sure he ended up with Ian. It was such a touching storyline.

Okay, okay. Later!

So, I have officially given up roleplay. I prayed to Jehovah for strength, and I had the courage to do it. I'm worried about being bored and such to be honest. I don't really have a whole lot of friends or people I talk to or have a lot of other online activities. I'll take up crochetting during a month I can afford a beginner's book and supplies. Might also try learning to draw again, been years since I've really tried. Once I lose about two hundred and fifty pounds, I'd like to learn guitar. Once I stop smoking, I want voice lessons. I'm actually not that bad of singer when I'm not smoking and I figure I actually have potential to sound good. I don't want to be famous or anything. It'd just be nice to sound good, and have a hobby. I could do reenditions for songs as entertainment for witnesses.

I'm addicted to Miley Cyrus' song Malibu. Just a couple word changes and it reminds of me Jehovah and Paradise. I'd love to sing and play that song, with the changes. I am growing spiritually, which is why I had to give up the roleplay. There's no clean way to do it with Jehovah's blessing or standards. I have to abstain, no matter how bored I get. I have lots of reading material to go through and I have a whole bible to learn. Plus music to find that's clean. Movies to find that are clean. Probably gonna get classic films and a dvd player.

It's time, ya know? I've been indecisive and there's a scripture in the bible that I'm pretty sure says: Cleanse your hearts you indescive ones. I have always thought of that scripture and myself. It's fitting. I've never been very good at making decisions. I have faith with Jehovah, it'll get easier with time. I hope to get baptised in the next year/two years. After my sleeve, should be a good time.

Yes, getting the sleeve. Have to go through a regimine with insurance. The doctor and the bariatric clinic. I've been doing so much better. Been really active, sometimes I don't feel as hungry and don't eat as much but today I had way too much to eat. I'm getting better. I've been helping mom with housework, definitely not as depressed. I get up in the mornings, drink coffee and try to study. I promise myself, tomorrow I'm going to eat a small breakfast, have a sandwich for lunch and then fried mushrooms for dinner. I know, bad for me but I love fried mushrooms. My favorite thing.

I've been exercising a little too, trying to get more in but it's painful and irritating. I have to make it routine. In time, it'll feel a lot better and so will I. I canceled my appointment this morning with the doctor but here's to hoping, next month I lose a enough weight and get my knee x-ray. I also have an appointment with a dietician on the 28th of this month. That will be fun. lol Hopefully she can help me. I'd like to lose at least 20-25 lbs by next month. I'm like 547 right now. Might have lost a couple lbs so far. So, we'll see.

I just feel better about life and everything in it. It's taken me a long time to get here. I don't want anything stop me and I'll make sure nothing does. Jehovah is my strength, my strong tower. I want to have faith in that and I will have faith in it.

I also discovered the band Hurts, I'm not sure if they're okay to listen to though. Questionable videos but some heavy christian themes. I heard they're antichristian, so I don't know. Pretty songs though. idk. Anyway, I should end this here. I'll update with progress later. Have a little faith in me~

I am 31. I'll be 40 in nine years. *buries head in the sand. not coming out. nope.*

The voices have mostly been quiet. It's nice. Not so much turmoil and wanting to smash my head against a brick wall until I go into a coma. However I'm starting to get depressed again since mom is away. The house needs some cleaning and I haven't gotten myself to do it. I haven't been able to walk either because when I do, the voices are the worst. They'll make me think about things I don't care to think about. It'll be an insistent pulse on my brain, a darkness in my mind that won't go away and I'm just left dreading my next walk. I'm afraid people can hear my thoughts and will get mad or disgusted with me. I try to realize it doesn't matter, but it's hard.

I didn't eat all day and when money went on my card, I got my mom's bestfriend to get me banana nut muffins from UDF. I scarfed those mofos down. I didn't realize how hungry I actually was because eating really doesn't matter to me when I'm depressed like this. I'm trying to quit smoking but I can't help it. I'm gonna try again in a few days. I went almost a whole day without a cigarette yesterday and the other day and I almost didn't care but it became a drumming and I gave in.

I bought one book of short poems, and a binded journal for my start into the journey of weight loss. My appointment is on the 20th, that's when I start the program. I think writing everything down that I eat and the exercise I do on a daily basis will make me conscious of my decisions and actions. I'll make myself read it in order to maintain what I must do to get surgery. I'm willing to put in the work, it's forcing the will and determination on myself. I also got a waist measure to do every month instead of checking the scale. Well, I got a scale that goes up to 550 lbs but it's not weighing me. How sad is that? heh I plan on taking measurements of my calves, thighs, waist, hip and forearms every month. My biceps are a no go, too much hanging fatty skin and they're going to remain that way even after I lose weight, here's to hoping I'll get cosmetic surgery for them.

I need to study the bible more, but I can't focus. The voices tend to mess with me then too. I'll have random thoughts hitting me left and center, left and right, and I end up focusing more on them than what I'm reading or hearing from my teacher. I have study today, well it's late morning and I need sleep for it but here's to hoping I can focus. I need a shower too and I think I'm watching my nephew today too. My Uncle is going to go to the store and get what we need. I need lighters because I panic without them. Even when I don't have cigarettes, I have to have a lighter. Just one of those OCD things.

I'm gonna start watching Shameless, my sister had me watching it last week and it was actually really good. Hilarious and crazy. I think I really want to watch it because Justin Chawick or however you spell his last name is hot with a beard. He's all baby faced otherwise, and him playing Goku in Dragonball Evolution ruined his good looks for me lol That movie was terrible and his acting skills were crap. He does well in Shameless though. But honestly, the show is good and I'd like to watch it, see if I like it enough to actually stick by the series.

My Uncle's showing is tomorrow, and his funeral is on Thursday. I wish I could go, but it's unlikely. If my sister would swallow her pride and take the rental from our father, she could take me too. =( I'd love to go, to say goodbye to such a sweet and great man but yeah, I'll have to wait till the new system say hello to him again. I'll be happy to see him. ^_^ Uncle Rick and everyone else too.

Guess that's all I want to say. I may force myself to walk before I go to bed and don't pay attention to whatever the voices do to throw off my well being. It's really hard, but it has to be done or I'll be dead by 35 and haven't done much with my life. If people get mad at me, it doesn't matter. People are better off worrying about themselves, than me. I don't bother anyone and thoughts are just that, thoughts, even though we have to keep them clean.

I promised I wouldn't post about this all the time, but it's been a terrible almost three weeks with constant voices in my head. I cried twice yesterday begging them to leave me alone. Of course, it didn't work. All I really want to do is lose weight and serve Jehovah. I don't care about the things they're trying to force on me. I haven't walked in two days. The house needs cleaned before my mom comes home, but I'm so depressed and lonely that I can't get myself to do it. I also need a shower and I'm just like blah.

I got my cool new Lion's ring in the mail. It seriously is awesome. I put it on the leather cord my brother's bitch and jerk rings came on. I can't wear bitch because of the spn symbol on it, due to it being a pentagram? I think. The ring I got now is a lion's head at the front, to the left a scene depicting the African wilds, And to the right is a heart with weird sun rays or rain pouring down over top, with an angel wing coming out of it. It's honestly the coolest thing ever. I got it to represent courage. I should give it a name like Squall Leonhart gave his lion's ring in Final Fantasy 8. XDD Griever is too sad and metal. I think I'll name it Joshua. Or Judd. Joshua Judd. How about King? King of Hearts.

idk. It all sounds cool. Joshua Judd. King of Hearts. Perfect. XDD Okay, I'm done for now. Talk later. <3