I'm trying to fight to stay out of a rest home now. I need help otherwise.

I wish my mom would stop hurting me and tell me the truth.

Eric's been in my brain, forcing me to write crazy stuff in hope I'm instiltulionzaed.

I feel ....horrorid. I need sleep. Night.

January 20 - Describe the place you keep your computer as if you were setting a scene in a novel

There was her desk. Dark brown and peeling. It had been through a lot over the years; cigarette butts, ashes, there was now even a crack with just one wrong move might snap it in half but it was beloved and it served it's purpose still. Along the top right corner were standard amazon speakers, that proved to provide good and solid sound. No booming system base but it wasn't what the owner needed. It produced the symphony of music provided by Jehovah's Organization called 'Light in the darkness.'

There was the deep purple mouse, not really more than three months old. The red one she had before the blue one, lasted seven years, and the blue lasted all of two years. Hopefully, the purple one held out. Now there was the computer itself, the laptop infact; it was barely three years old and still chugging strong. Black, simple and the keys on the board were starting to come off. The laptop was aided to stand on a tilted black metal helper, once a cooling fan for the previous computer that hadn't lasted very long but now served to keep the newer laptop from overheating. There is also a tangerine colored lighter but the owner hopes soon that it won't light death sticks but instead candles only.

And with that, the owner clicks and clacks her fingers across the keyboard, on toward the other questions. She tried her best to give you a novel and did terribly so. Forgive her!

January 21 - Are you naturally messy or organized?
Honestly, I'm not really sure. I think a lot of my mess comes from being overweight and hurting so much from being overweight. If I were thinner, I'd clean a heck of a lot more. So, I'm messy but it isn't natural by a long shot. We'll see.


January 22 - Do you have any siblings? Tell us about them.

Well, where do we start?

There's Pookie - When we were younger, we had a very bad siblings rivalry. Honestly, I was jealous of her because she was mom's favorite. And she made fun of me a lot for being fat. She was honestly a real meaniehead and still is but she's mellowed out a little. We have a lot in common these days and get along really well. How to describe her... well I'd psychoanalyze what I truly know about her but we'll just go with how she shows her outward appearance: headstrong, smartaleck, raunchy, fun and cares.

Then we have my first brother Robert - He's my mom's child. He's goofy as heck, very long, particular about his hygiene and keeping a clean home. He's expecting his first child in as little as a month. We were close growing up. He was my baby, always was. He called me mommy first instead of my mom and I felt so bad, I stopped caring for him and carrying him around so mom could bond with him. She was sick a lot in the crucial stages of his infancy.

Di'Andre - He's always been the level headed, strong minded young man. He's managed to get his life together and make something of himself. He's very intelligent, really cares about others. He's expecting his first child a little later this year. We were close when we were younger, he's still one of my favorites and I'm proud of him.

Jacob - You know, I have no clue how to describe Jacob. We've never been really close in all fairness. I think living with his father really took a toll on him, and it made him a bit selfish and kinda like my sister but truth is, he is a good dude. He just had his first child and from what I can tell and what I've been told, he's an excellent father. He plans to get married soon and I'm proud of him too for stepping up and becoming a man in a very honest and genuine way.

Statie - This is boopy doopy! She's closer to Pookie, but I've honestly never been jealous of their relationship. I love the boopy doopy very much. She's funny, loud mouthed, cares a lot about others and a complete beauty queen. She's expecting her first child in August. I'm hoping to be there for her for as often as possible. I really want to be a part of her child's life and offer babysitting when I can. Gonna be so weird having so many babies around!

Noah - He's autistic. Loves to eat, loves music, very playful and does show his love by hitting. And he does express his anger or overwhelmed feelings in the same way. He's a sweetheart, and he understands a lot more than people think. Currently he's at a camp for troubled kids, and he's doing well there. His mother misses him and honestly I do too. Admittedly I'm afraid of being hit by him and that makes me feel guilty. I know, I'm terrible.


Robert Yetts - This is my brother from the dad I never really knew side. He's a very level headed, got his stuff together kinda guy. He's a sweetheart and a hard worker. We talk sometimes and we hung out a lot once upon a time. I'd like to visit him again, get to know him better.

Others - I have so many brothers and sisters, it'd redic. I don't know them. They're all on my bio dad's side.


January 23 - What is your favorite book? - Hm......there's lots of books I have enjoyed in my life but I have to say The Way, The Truth and the Life by the Watchtower Tract Society is wonderful. It's all about Jesus' life, the message, the mission and the end result of his preaching work and why he came to Earth. It's a wonderful and enlightening book. As is imitate their faith. I'm currently reading both and learning a lot. If you want an accurate knowledge of bible teachings, then get in contact with your local Kingdom Hall and ask for literature. I promise, it's worth it.

January 24 - What is your favorite movie? - One movie I am always going to love is The Little Mermaid. I want to buy the DVD but it's like in the 30's range on amazon all the time. That's expensive as heck for a movie.

January 25 - What is your favorite TV show? - I watch a lot of old sitcoms with my mom, like Golden Girls. Fraiser. The Wayne's Brothers. Roseanne. Three's Company. Mike and Molly. Queen of Kings. Then we have Diners, Drive Inn's and Dive's. Something about Guy Fieri is awesome and seeing all the restaurants is super cool. Then there's my 600 lb life which continues to inspire me to lose weight and never get to those points. My new favorite show is Family by the Ton. I'm really rooting for them all, especially the two bigger. Chitoka and I forget the guy's name but they're super big and really need weight loss surgery before it's too late. I feel their pain, I really do.

( Read more... )

Meme by zhelena Doing Yesterday's and today's before I forget.

January 8 - Do you listen to audiobooks or podcasts, or just music?
No on podcasts and audiobooks. I prefer physical things my eyes can see. As for music, I always listen to it and I love it.

January 9 - What would you / did you name your daughter/s?
Definitely Ariel or Agatha. I love both names. Ariel is obvious, because I love the little mermaid but Agatha came from a dream I had when I was 17-18. I was babysitting a bunch of kids, like a nanny or they might have been mine. One was a little baddy, and wouldn't listen but the eleven year old was a girl and she was always helping me. Her name was Agatha and she was my favorite out of all the kids. For some reason it reminded me of my ex. The way she was built and tall and skinny, but had chin length brown hair and big eyes. She was beautiful. So,to be honest, I'll probably name my first daughter Agatha. I didn't even know the name existed until that dream. Weirdest thing.

And I'm just using that icon, because the relationship between Eric and Mr. Feeny is life. I feel like watching some Boy meets World.

( also stole a questionnare from her )

So, my Aunt is here. I always feel like she belongs with us and this time is no different. She needs to move up here asap. I think by me losing weight, getting my license and getting a van she'll feel more comfortable being up here. Heck, I'll just take her and the kids for rides just because. Long as I have gas.

I walked tonight, legs hurt but I'll be okay. Thinking of adding an extra ten seconds to my two minutes or upping it to six times a day. I think I need ten seconds. I'm not getting winded as much anymore.

Donna has this perfume called play it sexy by Playboy and it smells so freaking good. I went on amazon and looked it up. I was expecting like 70-100 bucks but nope, 10.19. MINEMINEMINE. lol I wanted a bottle of Happy by Clinique but I want this stuff instead. I've been taking care of myself more but I've barely bathed in a week. I'm still having a hard time with things. I plan on getting up in the morning and jumping straight in the shower after a coffee and some light bible studying I need to contact my bible teacher and tell her I want to study today. I missed the last three times. Badmmkay.

Well, I haven't given up but the voices were so bad the other night that I broke down and smoked. It would be so much easier if my mom would quit too, to be honest. I don't plan on smoking forever, that's for sure.

Anyway, i know it'll sound like delusions but the voices are I don't even know. They want me to want someone I haven't even spoken to since I was seventeen. I had like a huge crush on him when I was a kid, for like years. I'd get into the story but it's stupid. Then I was sleep deprived at my doctor's appointment the other day and the driving passenger with my medical transport didn't look at all familiar to me because I didn't really get a good look at him. Then he came in to get me and all I honestly thought was that he looked like my little cousin Seth. Then the voices kept talking and I realized it might have been the guy from my childhood. I'd go into details but again, delusions. He just did some stuff that was weird when he came in and it just left me thinking he was looking at me like does he have the right person he's supposed to come in and get.

Basically, delusions are bad mmkay and I'm not about to go psycho stalker lady on someone who probably doesn't even think of me. lmbo

Anyway, about to smell sexy in a few days lol I'm just in a good mood! Also the friend that's living with us washed my big black comforter. I love it so much and I missed it. Gonna be cuddled up with a bunch of blankets tonight. Gonna be so happy. Whoo hoo!

Night everyone.

Thought I'd update since I haven't in awhile.

My Aunt and her grandkids are currently visiting. It's been nice. I've really missed them. But since they've been here, I haven't been studying. Which is not good. Missed my last three studies with my teacher too, because I wasn't feeling well. But, I have no excuse tomorrow, I'm feeling well. I'm excited actually.

I went to the lake a couple of weeks ago. Been years since I went. I swam for almost three hours, felt great. Because of my weight though, I had a heck of a time swimming. I tried doing breaststrokes but my weight kept dragging me down and I couldn't keep my head above water. I also couldn't stay up right. I hurt for like three days afterward. Worth it though.

I know I shouldn't, but I'm in love with the game Coming out on Top. A gay male dating simulator. It's such a fangirl cliche but the art is beautiful. I don't plan on playing long, but I was watching Dream Daddy videos and it showed up in my youtube suggestions, so I thought I'd give it a try. I love Dreamy Daddy too but my computer can't handle it. Whomp, Whomp. Both are hilarious and entertaining though. I'll stop playing/watching soon. It's just really hard getting out of the world. I always thought it'd be easy for me, but it's really not. I need to try harder.

A little more bad news, despite being active and eating less. I gained 21 pounds. No, it's not a thyroid problem, it was my bipolar medicine. Depokote. So, my doctor and I decided I should be taken off it. It makes no sense though, my mom said It looked like I was losing weight and my clothes were fitting a lot better too. Just boom. 21 pounds, over night.

Anyway, I'll update another time soon. Writing an original story with sorta original characters. I love Ian from Coming out on Top, so I decided to use his image and make a male character and put him with an original female character. Also using Jared Padalecki lol. They're twins since they look similar. I'm putting my friend Val/Moosegirl in the story too, she ends up with Jared since she's his number one fan. <3 I even named Mark, Dean Winchester, lmao, and made sure he ended up with Ian. It was such a touching storyline.

Okay, okay. Later!

So, I have officially given up roleplay. I prayed to Jehovah for strength, and I had the courage to do it. I'm worried about being bored and such to be honest. I don't really have a whole lot of friends or people I talk to or have a lot of other online activities. I'll take up crochetting during a month I can afford a beginner's book and supplies. Might also try learning to draw again, been years since I've really tried. Once I lose about two hundred and fifty pounds, I'd like to learn guitar. Once I stop smoking, I want voice lessons. I'm actually not that bad of singer when I'm not smoking and I figure I actually have potential to sound good. I don't want to be famous or anything. It'd just be nice to sound good, and have a hobby. I could do reenditions for songs as entertainment for witnesses.

I'm addicted to Miley Cyrus' song Malibu. Just a couple word changes and it reminds of me Jehovah and Paradise. I'd love to sing and play that song, with the changes. I am growing spiritually, which is why I had to give up the roleplay. There's no clean way to do it with Jehovah's blessing or standards. I have to abstain, no matter how bored I get. I have lots of reading material to go through and I have a whole bible to learn. Plus music to find that's clean. Movies to find that are clean. Probably gonna get classic films and a dvd player.

It's time, ya know? I've been indecisive and there's a scripture in the bible that I'm pretty sure says: Cleanse your hearts you indescive ones. I have always thought of that scripture and myself. It's fitting. I've never been very good at making decisions. I have faith with Jehovah, it'll get easier with time. I hope to get baptised in the next year/two years. After my sleeve, should be a good time.

Yes, getting the sleeve. Have to go through a regimine with insurance. The doctor and the bariatric clinic. I've been doing so much better. Been really active, sometimes I don't feel as hungry and don't eat as much but today I had way too much to eat. I'm getting better. I've been helping mom with housework, definitely not as depressed. I get up in the mornings, drink coffee and try to study. I promise myself, tomorrow I'm going to eat a small breakfast, have a sandwich for lunch and then fried mushrooms for dinner. I know, bad for me but I love fried mushrooms. My favorite thing.

I've been exercising a little too, trying to get more in but it's painful and irritating. I have to make it routine. In time, it'll feel a lot better and so will I. I canceled my appointment this morning with the doctor but here's to hoping, next month I lose a enough weight and get my knee x-ray. I also have an appointment with a dietician on the 28th of this month. That will be fun. lol Hopefully she can help me. I'd like to lose at least 20-25 lbs by next month. I'm like 547 right now. Might have lost a couple lbs so far. So, we'll see.

I just feel better about life and everything in it. It's taken me a long time to get here. I don't want anything stop me and I'll make sure nothing does. Jehovah is my strength, my strong tower. I want to have faith in that and I will have faith in it.

I also discovered the band Hurts, I'm not sure if they're okay to listen to though. Questionable videos but some heavy christian themes. I heard they're antichristian, so I don't know. Pretty songs though. idk. Anyway, I should end this here. I'll update with progress later. Have a little faith in me~

I am 31. I'll be 40 in nine years. *buries head in the sand. not coming out. nope.*

The voices have mostly been quiet. It's nice. Not so much turmoil and wanting to smash my head against a brick wall until I go into a coma. However I'm starting to get depressed again since mom is away. The house needs some cleaning and I haven't gotten myself to do it. I haven't been able to walk either because when I do, the voices are the worst. They'll make me think about things I don't care to think about. It'll be an insistent pulse on my brain, a darkness in my mind that won't go away and I'm just left dreading my next walk. I'm afraid people can hear my thoughts and will get mad or disgusted with me. I try to realize it doesn't matter, but it's hard.

I didn't eat all day and when money went on my card, I got my mom's bestfriend to get me banana nut muffins from UDF. I scarfed those mofos down. I didn't realize how hungry I actually was because eating really doesn't matter to me when I'm depressed like this. I'm trying to quit smoking but I can't help it. I'm gonna try again in a few days. I went almost a whole day without a cigarette yesterday and the other day and I almost didn't care but it became a drumming and I gave in.

I bought one book of short poems, and a binded journal for my start into the journey of weight loss. My appointment is on the 20th, that's when I start the program. I think writing everything down that I eat and the exercise I do on a daily basis will make me conscious of my decisions and actions. I'll make myself read it in order to maintain what I must do to get surgery. I'm willing to put in the work, it's forcing the will and determination on myself. I also got a waist measure to do every month instead of checking the scale. Well, I got a scale that goes up to 550 lbs but it's not weighing me. How sad is that? heh I plan on taking measurements of my calves, thighs, waist, hip and forearms every month. My biceps are a no go, too much hanging fatty skin and they're going to remain that way even after I lose weight, here's to hoping I'll get cosmetic surgery for them.

I need to study the bible more, but I can't focus. The voices tend to mess with me then too. I'll have random thoughts hitting me left and center, left and right, and I end up focusing more on them than what I'm reading or hearing from my teacher. I have study today, well it's late morning and I need sleep for it but here's to hoping I can focus. I need a shower too and I think I'm watching my nephew today too. My Uncle is going to go to the store and get what we need. I need lighters because I panic without them. Even when I don't have cigarettes, I have to have a lighter. Just one of those OCD things.

I'm gonna start watching Shameless, my sister had me watching it last week and it was actually really good. Hilarious and crazy. I think I really want to watch it because Justin Chawick or however you spell his last name is hot with a beard. He's all baby faced otherwise, and him playing Goku in Dragonball Evolution ruined his good looks for me lol That movie was terrible and his acting skills were crap. He does well in Shameless though. But honestly, the show is good and I'd like to watch it, see if I like it enough to actually stick by the series.

My Uncle's showing is tomorrow, and his funeral is on Thursday. I wish I could go, but it's unlikely. If my sister would swallow her pride and take the rental from our father, she could take me too. =( I'd love to go, to say goodbye to such a sweet and great man but yeah, I'll have to wait till the new system say hello to him again. I'll be happy to see him. ^_^ Uncle Rick and everyone else too.

Guess that's all I want to say. I may force myself to walk before I go to bed and don't pay attention to whatever the voices do to throw off my well being. It's really hard, but it has to be done or I'll be dead by 35 and haven't done much with my life. If people get mad at me, it doesn't matter. People are better off worrying about themselves, than me. I don't bother anyone and thoughts are just that, thoughts, even though we have to keep them clean.

I promised I wouldn't post about this all the time, but it's been a terrible almost three weeks with constant voices in my head. I cried twice yesterday begging them to leave me alone. Of course, it didn't work. All I really want to do is lose weight and serve Jehovah. I don't care about the things they're trying to force on me. I haven't walked in two days. The house needs cleaned before my mom comes home, but I'm so depressed and lonely that I can't get myself to do it. I also need a shower and I'm just like blah.

I got my cool new Lion's ring in the mail. It seriously is awesome. I put it on the leather cord my brother's bitch and jerk rings came on. I can't wear bitch because of the spn symbol on it, due to it being a pentagram? I think. The ring I got now is a lion's head at the front, to the left a scene depicting the African wilds, And to the right is a heart with weird sun rays or rain pouring down over top, with an angel wing coming out of it. It's honestly the coolest thing ever. I got it to represent courage. I should give it a name like Squall Leonhart gave his lion's ring in Final Fantasy 8. XDD Griever is too sad and metal. I think I'll name it Joshua. Or Judd. Joshua Judd. How about King? King of Hearts.

idk. It all sounds cool. Joshua Judd. King of Hearts. Perfect. XDD Okay, I'm done for now. Talk later. <3